The first step to healing or leaving a toxic relationship is recognizing the signs and learning about the effects.
In this article you will learn about the 5 pillars that define any toxic relationship whether it be: mother/daughter, wife/husband or the classic toxic friendship.
They guilt trip you in toxic ways
There are different ways to influence someone: flattery, love, seduction and… guilt tripping.
In toxic relationships, you will always find one partner constantly guilt tripping the other. Here are some examples of what a toxic partner would say:
- You never think about me
- When was the last time you thought of me
- You’re done with your stuff already? What a surprise!
- Why do you need to ask me all the time?! Just figure it out by yourself for once
- What do you expect me to do if you don’t come?
- Why are you always upset!
- If you really loved me, why didn’t you do my laundry, cook the dishes and clean the house!?
Notice that they won’t slam your actions or what you did wrong.
Instead, they will verbally dismantle your personality and gaslight you because that’s the only way they can communicate.
You fear their toxic anger
This sign is a hard one to admit, but you need to be honest with yourself: do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner? Are you always scared about arousing their uncontrollable anger?
Let me give you a little quiz:
- Do you ever apologize for things they did?
- Do you lie to get out of trouble?
- Does your partner make every fight your fault?
- Do you feel forced to spend time with them just to keep them calm?
- Have you ever had to say to your friends that “that’s just how she/he his” to explain why they get so angry?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, there’s a good chance you’re in a toxic relationship.
They make you feel isolated
Because these toxic people feel so insecure, they need to find a way to lock their partners into the relationship, but how?
They make them feel isolated from the rest of their family, friends, etc. Here are some examples of the things they’ll do:
- Tell you that all your friends are fake and they don’t really like you
- Every time you try to go out with your friends, your “abandoning” your toxic partner i.e. they don’t respect your boundaries
- They want to know all your passwords so that you can’t hide from them
To toxic people there is no such thing as boundaries, it’s all or nothing. Once you notice these signs, plan your exit because you need to focus on healing yourself.
You’ve been “gaslight” for too long…
You get criticised often as if you’re the toxic partner
There’s a difference between a girl not liking you and a girl constantly criticising you.
- Avoid physical contact
- Purposefully flirt with other guys in front of you
- Never smile around you
- Avoid giving you compliments
On the other hand, a girl (or a guy) that’s constantly criticising you needs to be cut off. Here are some things you need to look out for:
- Never acknowledging their own problems, no matter how obvious it is
- You are taken your granted even when you sacrifice for them
- Nothing you do is ever enough
- They criticise you by constantly bringing up the pas
- They react to any of your slightest mistakes in the most ridiculous ways
- They have a general sense of arrogance
- No matter what you tell them, they just deflect it all back to you
Always recognize the difference between “not liking each other” and “toxic relationship.”
You don’t feel happy around them
The last sign that I have for you is a feeling that sits deep inside you even if you don’t want to admit it. It’s the feeling of not being truly happy around them. In fact, you want to tell your partner this, but you’re too afraid of the repercussions (anger, guilt tripping, etc.). And because of this, you feel constantly depressed and out of energy. Every time you talk to them, you feel totally drained. At some level, you’re questioning the relationship, but you’re too scared to make any move because you feel like you have nowhere to go. In general, you feel like staying long term with this person is not good for either one of you.
So what do you do in these situations, well, it depends:
If you’re seeing most or all of these signs, you must realize that it won’t get better and that you need to heal your trauma before getting into a new relationship.
However, if you only get one or 2 of these signs and they don’t come too often, you may have a chance of healing the relationship, but always consult a licensed psychologist before making any important decision.